A story about infidelity and forgiveness

A pastor shared a story about a husband and wife where the wife caught her husband being unfaithful. The husband broke off the affair and apologized to his wife for breaking his vows, professing his love for her, and asking for her forgiveness. Of course the wife was extremely hurt and the trust she had for her husband was broken. After months of separation and lots of counseling hours, she came around and forgave him.

Fast forward several years and the reconciled couple are still together but all is not bliss. The wife is a very good and loving wife to her husband in all of her actions except her words. Other than an occassional rebuke of her husband in public, no one would know of her ill treatment towards him in private. The husband is extremely frustrated; he knew he had done wrong, he was genuinely sorry and remorseful for his actions, but he felt his wife had not truly forgiven him given the continued belittling and verbal abuse.

He complained to the pastor saying that in addition to her words, the disdain in her voice was very difficult for him. The husband felt the wife was still trying to punish him for his unfaithfulness. The pastor agreed with the husband’s assessment but explained, it is not the wife’s forgiveness he needs to receive. It is God’s forgiveness that counts, and if he is truly remorseful and genuine about his sin, God has already forgiven him. The wife’s lack of forgiveness towards her husband is a big problem for her. Her behavior is jeopardizing two relationships, the one with her husband and her relationship with God.

First, her verbal abuse and disdain shows a lack of respect for her husband. In Ephesians 5:33 we read, “…let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

The apostle Paul makes it clear to the Ephesians instructing the men to “love” their wives as they love themselves. Why is it so important for men to love their wives? Because that is how women are wired. They were created to be loved.

However, the apostle Paul does not offer the same advice to women. He instructs them to “respect” their husbands. Of course, it is important for wives to also love their husbands and for men to respect their wives. But men are primarily wired to need respect—especially from their wives. Men deeply crave respect, and this need is core to how they are created.

It’s a Catch-22: An un-respected husband will struggle to love his wife, and an unloved wife will struggle to respect her husband. When one or both of these situations exist, it places an enormous strain on the marriage.

Second, the verbal disdain for her husband suggests the wife has not truly forgiven him. As the pastor instructed the husband, he does not need his wife’s forgiveness as God has already forgiven him. However, woe to the wife for not truly forgiving her husband. For we read in Matthew 6:14-15 …
“For if you forgive others their
 trespasses, your heavenly
 Father will also forgive you,
but if you do not forgive 
others their trespasses, 
neither will your Father
 forgive your trespasses.“

Jesus drives it home in the Lord’s Prayer “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. If the wife does not truly forgive her husband in her heart, she will not experience a true relationship with God, and woe to her when it comes to needing God’s forgiveness.

It is easy and very human to point fingers at this couple. The wife would never had been put into this predicament if the husband remained faithful. The husband should not tolerate the unforgiving barbs from his wife if he has shown genuine remorse. We don’t know the wife’s heart, perhaps she really did forgive her husband but she could not bring herself to completely trust him. Forgiveness and reconciliation do not go hand in hand. Relationships can be extremely complicated and the reality is that both of these people are suffering. Marriage counseling and self-help books may have their place, but if God is not welcomed into their relationship, their marriage is toast.

The pastor was not breaking clergy privilege as he had retired and moved to a different state when sharing the story. We don’t know if the couple has resolved their situation. But we can still pray for them and the many other couples experiencing marital problems. Ask God to help them turn towards Him and be filled with His light.

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10 responses to “A story about infidelity and forgiveness”

  1. Monique Stillwater

    My brother forgave his unfaithful wife and they are still married. I know that the Bible states that is the right thing to do. But their relationship has changed. I don’t see true happiness in either of their faces. I pray for them.

    Reply
  2. Roman Bentley

    My sister’s husband abandoned her and their 5 children for a younger woman. His affair did not last and he asked my sister for forgiveness. She forgave him but she refused reconciliation unless he was willing to go to counseling. He wasn’t interested in going to counseling so they never reconciled and my sister divorced him. My sister received a lot of pressure from her church to reconcile with him but my sister could see his heart was not in the right place. I thank God for giving my sister discernment and the courage not to bend to her religious friends.

    Reply
  3. Martha Manning

    I have never heard marriage presented that way before regarding men to love their lives and women to respect their husbands. My brother’s wife left him after 27 years of marriage. I was happy to see her go. It was very uncomfortable to be around them because of the way she spoke to my brother. It was never with respect. However, my brother took the abuse because he loved her and our faith teaches us not to divorce. He eventually met someone and remarried. I have never seen him so happy. As for his ex-wife, I heard she has remarried and divorced again. I think she is just an unhappy person. I thank God for taking care of my brother and I actually pray for my ex sister in law hoping she can eventually find God’s peace.

    Reply
  4. Rose Marie

    My man is an excellent husband and father to our children. He shows his love for me not with gifts of jewelry or flowers but in his actions everyday. I am very thankful for him. I hit the jackpot with him.

    Reply
  5. Lindsey Falston

    At first I was angry that a pastor would share a story like that. I thought he was breaking a confidence and people would know who that couple was. But after speaking to my pastor about it, he said there are thousands of couples who share that story and the story could be told either way. He said it is important to tell these stories and share them to help others. I am glad I spoke to him before sending you a scolding reply. 😀 😅

    Reply
  6. Martha Miller

    I always thought the Bible taught us to forgive and forget but that’s not true. You can forgive someone but you are not required to forget what they did. The same goes for reconciliation. Just because you forgive someone does not require reconciliation. My sister constantly stole from me and took advantage of my generosity. Although I forgave her again for the umpteenth time, I know longer give her the opportunity to steal from me anymore. She has my prayers but not my trust or reconciliation.

    Reply
  7. Donna Thringley

    Thank you for your post. It reminded me of this female pastor who constantly rebukes women who leave their husbands for infidelity, drugs, etc…. Of course she says a woman should not stay in an abusive relationship. However, her first husband abandoned her in a hotel and she felt it was ok not to work things out with him. My husband abandoned me and our two children when they were very young. For many years I hated him. But I learned to forgive him, however I would never let him back into our marriage. He has done more to hurt himself than I could ever do.

    Reply
    1. Gabriel

      My sister’s husband left her with 3 children five years old and younger. As her older brother I wanted him to pay for the havoc he created on their lives and the rest of us. I spoke with my sister’s attorney and asked him how we could make my ex-brother in-law’s life miserable. This wise older gentleman nicely said that is not the Christian thing to do. He said “I know guys like him. I promise you, he will do more harm to himself over his lifetime than we could ever do to
      him.” I was ashamed. But he was right, 30 years later and my ex-brother in-law has completely destroyed his life turning away from God and making very bad choices. His life is a mess and he still doesn’t honor God. The irony, one of his sons is in seminary school studying to be a pastor. We pray for him.

      Reply
  8. Jordan Albright

    I was in a men’s bible study group where a few of the men shared stories of how they were unfaithful to their wives and other men shared how their wives were unfaithful to them. There is a lot of hurt in this world.

    Reply
  9. Helen Harker

    A man who worked for my dad used to brag about his infidelities. Once I asked him if he didn’t love his wife, why did he stay with her. He said, he loved his wife very much but she didn’t like to have sex so he needed to find it elsewhere. He and his wife attended church every week. I don’t know if his wife was ignorant about it or if she just tolerated it. Some of his women friends were married and others were not. I don’t understand him or these other women. No fear of God I guess. I think social media makes it even easier to cheat today. FB now has a dating button. This world is full of darkness.

    Reply

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