How Did Valentine’s Day Come About?

To my surprise, Valentine’s Day was not invented by Hallmark. 😅

It began as a Christian commemoration of a martyr (or martyrs) named Valentine, layered onto the pagan fertility festival Lupercalia, which originated in the 6th century BC and was celebrated around February 13–15. Over time, however, the modern focus on romance and romantic love developed primarily through medieval poetry and cultural evolution, rather than from its ancient origins.

In short, Valentine’s Day, celebrated on February 14, thus began as a pagan festival, was later reinterpreted as a Christian commemoration honoring one or more saints named Valentine, and has since evolved into a largely secular holiday in which people express affection through cards, flowers, and gifts.

Unfortunately, Frank’s ex-wife understands love the way the world defines it: sentimentally.

Sentimental love is:

• based on feelings
• measured by personal satisfaction
• withdrawn when it becomes too costly
• justified by sincerity (“I feel this, so it must be love”)

Sentimental love asks, “How does this make me feel?”

That kind of love cannot sustain unity or faithfulness—because feelings fluctuate.

Unfortunately for Frank’s former wife, this sentimental understanding of love has left her on soulmate #4 or #5 🤷‍♂️ since she left Frank. God, however, has since blessed Frank with a godly wife, and together they enjoy a Christian marriage as God intended.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it seemed appropriate to examine how the Bible views love—especially how husbands and wives are called to love one another. Before diving deeper, however, it’s worth noting that unlike Scripture, modern English uses a single word—love—to describe vastly different affections.

For example, three years after purchasing our new F-150, my wife and I were on a two-day trip when she turned to me and said, “I love this truck.” People use the same word to describe their affection for vehicles, vacation homes, favorite sports teams, and even pets.

While English gives us one word for love, the original Greek of the New Testament uses four primary words to describe it:

1. Agápē (ἀγάπη)
   • Self-giving, sacrificial, covenantal love
   • God’s love for humanity; the model for Christian love
   • Example: “God is love” (1 John 4:8)
2. Philia (φιλία)
   • Affectionate love, friendship, brotherly love
   • Mutual, relational, warm
   • Example: Philadelphia = “city of brotherly love”
3. Storgē (στοργή)
   • Natural affection, especially within families
   • Rare in the New Testament, but appears in commingling structures (e.g., Romans 12:10)
4. Érōs (ἔρως)
   • Romantic or sexual love
   • Not used in the New Testament text, though the concept clearly exists (e.g., Song of Songs)

In Ephesians 5, Paul describes what Christian marital love is meant to look like between a husband and wife. Can you guess which word he used?

If I’m being honest, before my spiritual awakening I probably would have guessed Érōs—partly because it refers to romantic or sexual love, and partly because I’m a heterosexual guy. (I’m mostly kidding… but not entirely. 😂)

Instead, Paul uses Agápē.

• self-giving love
• covenant-keeping love
• action-oriented love
• love defined by sacrifice, not emotion

Biblical love is not measured by the intensity of feeling, but by the willingness to sacrifice in obedience to God for the good of another.

“Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”—Ephesians 5:33

This distinction is remarkably intentional.

Paul commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Why? Because he understood that men and women are wired differently. He is addressing the primary relational vulnerability of each spouse.

• To husbands: love her
• To wives: respect him

Paul is not dividing love and respect; he is translating love into the language most deeply heard. Across cultures and centuries, two patterns consistently appear in marital conflict:

• Wives often say, “I don’t feel loved.”
• Husbands often say, “I feel disrespected.”

Paul isn’t inventing this reality—he’s naming it.

Love and respect function differently:

• Love says, “You are cherished.”
• Respect says, “You are trusted and valued.”

Both are expressions of love—but they land differently.

Paul addresses each spouse at their pressure point. He does not divide love by gender; he teaches spouses to love one another in the form most powerfully received.

Both men and women need love and respect—but love is most deeply communicated to most women through security and affection, while respect is most deeply communicated to most men through honor and trust.

If you study Ephesians 5 closely, you’ll notice that Paul moves seamlessly:

• from light (5:8–14)
• to wisdom and Spirit-filled living (5:15–21)
• directly into marriage (5:22–33)

Marriage is the testing ground of light-filled love.

Christian marital love is the lived expression of God’s light—made visible through sacrificial love, sustained by the Spirit, and aimed at holiness rather than mere happiness. This kind of love is not something we manufacture; it flows from hearts that have turned toward God and have been filled with His light. As we walk in that light, our marriages become places where God’s love is not merely spoken, but seen.

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