Maybe your family gatherings look more like a battlefield than a Hallmark card, and that’s okay. Maybe there’s yelling, criticism, control, favoritism, and neglect. Maybe there’s betrayal, addiction, divorce, and silence. Maybe the people who are supposed to love you the most have hurt you the deepest.
Ralph and Ruth believe in God but they are lukewarm Christians. No real church life throughout their marriage and they embrace the bells and whistles this world has to offer. Ruth and Ralph have 3 children. Their oldest, Sammy has a learning disability but he is a fully functional person. But because of his learning disability, Ruth overly compensated to his every need. She allowed his learning disability to cloud her judgement.
The family could not have a normal outing like enjoying a picnic because once Sammy got bored, he would throw a fit and the family would have to pack the car and drive home; and Sammy would retreat to his bedroom and play video games on the finest computers and headsets his mom could buy for him. When the family would go to the waterpark, Ruth would drive a second car in the event Sammy became “uncontrollable” and had to be driven home. Sammy played his mom like a fiddle.
The result was that Sammy sucked all of the life out of the family because mom gave 90 percent of her attention to Sammy’s “needs”. Fortunately, Ralph had the foresight and the courage to place a financial restriction on Ruth regarding her spending on “experts” to fix Sammy. Otherwise there would have been no money for the other two children’s higher education. Looking back, Ruth could see her dereliction of duty to the other two children and she regrets it. Both are now in college but Ruth missed most of their childhood years due to the time she gave to Sammy.
Joshua and Beverly raised their family in a Christian religion with their church being the center of their life. They have 7 children with the 5 oldest being girls. Their middle daughter Alexa and their youngest son Jesse have been a challenge to say the least. These two refused to embrace the family values like their 5 siblings.
The interesting thing about this family is that although their religion was front and center in their life, Beverly chose to put the two children in counseling with secular therapists. It’s hard to fathom why a Christian mom would choose secular minded “experts” to treat her Christian children. Needless to say, the counseling made the situation at home worse in that these two children rejected the family religion. The God their family worshipped was a little too distant for them. In fact, one of the counselors advised Joshua and Beverly that their religion was the cause of their children’s challenges. Years later, the 5 “well-behaved” children are doing well and raising families of their own. However, the two “problem” children continue to have issues compounded by broken marriages. Similar to Ruth, Beverly has said that if she had to do it all over again, she would have given more of her time to the 5 “amicable” children than the other two. In fact, years later at one family gathering where the problem children were not present, Beverly apologized to her 5 children for spending way too much time on the other two.
But isn’t that what parents are to do,
help their children who are lost?
Luke 15: 3-6 “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.
Many might compare their lost children to the sheep in this parable. But they misunderstand the parable in my humble opinion. Sheep are not known for their brain power. They would get separated from the herd and become lost due to their ignorance. They are dumb animals. If a young child wanders off in a store, what parent would not become frantic and then rejoice when finding their child? But what happens when that child is a teenager and purposely chooses to “push the envelope”, who rebel against family culture and wander away. Does a parent ignore the needs and the well-being of the “good” children to chase the child that resists? Perhaps the world would be a better place if parents gave 80% of their time to their obedient children who deserve it in lieu of the children who cause problems. In the parable of the prodigal son, the father does not chase after the problem son. See a-twist-on-the-prodigal-son
Let’s make it a little more complicated
Nick and Sue attend a non-denominational church with their 4 children. Christianity is the center of their family life. Nick and Sue moved their family from Maryland to Arizona to the objections of both of their moms (the grandmothers), It was particularly difficult for Nick’s mom because Nick had been married before and has two boys from a previous marriage. In her eyes, her son was abandoning his first two children.
But Maryland is a tough state to be a divorced dad considering the liberal bent of most its counties. The courts overwhelmingly side with the mother. Especially, if the mother is a secular liberal and the father is a “believer” who follows the Bible. Nick’s ex-wife made it near impossible for him to be a dad to his boys. She would monitor his phone calls with the boys and disconnect the call if Nick mentioned the name of Jesus. On his limited weekends with the boys, the ex-wife repeatedly called the police for welfare checks on the boys. She knew how to play the game and she did so very dishonestly. In addition, Nick’s ex-father in law had the means to pay for his daughter’s attorneys. They knew Nick had limited resources and used that to constantly take him to court trying to bankrupt him.
Eventually, they won the battle as Nick and Sue moved their family to AZ where Nick found a decent job and the cost of living was better for a family of 6. The ex-wife may have won but it is painfully clear that her boys have lost. The mother would have the younger boy paint his finger nails and encourage him to play with dolls. The older one is always angry as his mother would constantly remind him his dad loves his new family more than them. Several years later Nick continues paying child support for his now teenage boys who he is not allowed to see. His phone conversations with them are still monitored by their mother. Nick does not allow his other children to be part of the conversations because his teenage boys cannot have a normal conversation without cursing. It has become part of their normal vocabulary. While Nick’s mother still resides in Maryland, she visits her grandchildren in AZ a few times a year. However, she is not allowed to see Nick’s first two children in Maryland. Thankfully, she no longer feels Nick abandoned his two boys. But her heart still aches for them and they are always in her prayers.
Nick’s mistake, he married an unbeliever!
The apostle Paul gives sage advice in 2 Corinthians 6: 14-15: Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial (devil)? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
A farmer would never yoke an ox with a goat to pull the same plow. Nick made a common mistake most young people fall prey to. He married a person with values and beliefs based on this physical world while Nick was raised in a home that honored God. Parents have to work together to raise their children and that’s a difficult task even when parents are equally yoked, compared to parents who have opposing world views. Nick and his ex-wife were on a path to disaster from day one.
Nick loves all of his children including his first two boys. Granted he probably does not “like” them as much as the 4 children he has with Sue because they are being raised contrary to his values. Nick’s first two sons are beyond his reach physically, legally, mentally and spiritually. But they are not beyond God’s reach. Nick and Sue pray for the boys as well as Nick’s ex-wife. Prayer is the only parenting tool Nick has at his disposal given the reality of the situation.
There is no doubt in the back of Nick and Sue’s minds that there will come a time when the boys are older, one or both of them might want to have a relationship with Nick and perhaps their half brothers and sisters. That will be a tough situation for Nick and Sue, as I doubt they will voluntarily allow the two “non-believing” brothers to influence their half-siblings.
What are Nick and Sue to do if and when this happens?
Perhaps they will look to Paul’s advice in Colossians 4: 5-6: Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Some might take offense that I use scripture that paints Nick’s first two sons as outsiders. But I believe it is appropriate and accurate. For the majority of their formative years they have been raised by an unbelieving and dishonest mother in a godless environment. Nick and Sue will need God’s wisdom to use both prayer and action. They will need to treat the boys with the grace that their years of prayer have afforded them and use the opportunity to put their Christian beliefs in action. Their speech will require the seasoned salt of the Holy Spirit. In other words, they will need to treat the boys with love and truth. It will not be easy but with God, anything is possible. Hopefully, these boys will choose to turn towards God and be filled with His light.
There are no perfect families!
Think about it: almost every hero of the Bible came from a dysfunctional family. Abraham lied and almost gave his wife away—twice. Jacob was a deceiver who stole a birthright. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. David’s family was so broken that when Samuel came looking for the next king, David’s own father didn’t even think to call him in from the field. Rahab was a prostitute. The entire nation of Israel constantly turned away from God, and still He called them His people.
If God only used perfect families, the Bible would be one page long.
Your family doesn’t disqualify you from God’s love or His plan. In fact, your family might be the very place where God is teaching you how to forgive the unforgivable, how to love when it’s not returned, and how to trust Him when everything in you wants to run.
He sees the wounds. He sees the chaos. Turn toward God and invite Him into the middle of it! He will give you the peace that surpases all understanding!
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