Families are complicated. They just are.
Maybe your family gatherings look more like a battlefield than a Hallmark card. Maybe there is yelling, criticism, control, favoritism, or neglect. Perhaps your family has experienced betrayal, addiction, divorce, or years of painful silence.
Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most are the ones who hurt us the deepest.
In other families, nearly all the parents’ time, attention, and emotional energy become focused on one struggling child. Their concern may be understandable and even admirable. But while they are desperately trying to rescue one child, the others can quietly grow up feeling overlooked.
How should Christian parents respond? Should they leave the ninety-nine to pursue the one who is wandering? Or can pursuing one family member eventually harm everyone else?
Scripture does not give us a simple formula for every family situation. It does, however, give us wisdom. We are called to love the struggling family member without neglecting the faithful ones, to offer grace without enabling destructive behavior, and to trust God with the people we cannot change.
Ralph and Ruth Ralph and Ruth believe in God, but their faith has never been the center of their marriage. They have not maintained a meaningful church life and have largely embraced the bells and whistles this world has to offer.
They have three children. Their oldest son, Sammy, has a learning disability, although he is otherwise fully functional. Because of his disability, Ruth felt especially protective of him. Over time, however, her understandable concern became overcompensation. She allowed Sammy’s learning disability to cloud her judgment about what he was capable of doing and what behavior the family should tolerate.
The family could not enjoy a normal outing, such as a picnic, because once Sammy became bored, he would throw a fit. The family would then pack everything into the car and return home, where Sammy would retreat to his bedroom and play video games on the finest computers and headsets his mother could buy.
When the family visited a water park, Ruth would sometimes drive a second car so she could take Sammy home if he became uncontrollable.
Eventually, Sammy learned that if he made everyone uncomfortable enough, the entire family would adjust its plans to accommodate him. Ruth believed she was helping her son, but she was unintentionally teaching him that his behavior could control the household.
The result was that Sammy received nearly all his mother’s attention. His needs—and often his demands—determined how the family lived.
Fortunately, Ralph had the foresight and courage to place financial restrictions on Ruth’s spending. She had poured money into one expert after another, hoping someone could “fix” Sammy. Without Ralph’s intervention, there might not have been enough money remaining to pay for the other two children’s higher education.
Looking back, Ruth recognizes how much of her other children’s childhood she missed. They are now in college, but those years cannot be reclaimed. She loved all three of her children, but her relentless effort to help one of them caused the other two to receive far less of her time and attention.
Love can sometimes become enabling without our realizing it. When we continually shield someone from the consequences of his behavior, we may not be helping him mature. We may be making it easier for him to remain exactly as he is.
Joshua and Beverly raised their seven children in a Christian religion, with their church serving as the center of family life. Their five oldest children are girls. Their middle daughter, Alexa, and their youngest son, Jesse, proved especially challenging. Unlike their five siblings, these two resisted many of the family’s beliefs and values.
Although religion was front and center in their home, Beverly placed Alexa and Jesse in counseling with secular therapists. Seeking professional counseling was not necessarily wrong. Many families benefit from qualified mental-health care. The problem was that the counsel these children received did not respect or reinforce the family’s Christian beliefs.
Rather than helping heal the division, the counseling appeared to widen it. Alexa and Jesse increasingly rejected the family’s religion, which had already felt distant and impersonal to them. One counselor even advised Joshua and Beverly that their religion was the source of their children’s difficulties.
Years later, the five more cooperative children are doing well and raising families of their own. Alexa and Jesse continue to struggle, with their difficulties compounded by broken marriages.
Like Ruth, Beverly eventually realized how much time and energy she had poured into the two children who resisted her most. At a family gathering where Alexa and Jesse were not present, Beverly apologized to the other five children for spending so much time trying to rescue the two who were struggling that she failed to give the others the attention they also needed.
But isn’t that what parents are to do,
help their children who are lost?
Jesus said:
“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.”
—Luke 15:4–5
Many parents understandably compare a wandering child to the lost sheep in this parable. Jesus’ story beautifully reveals God’s heart for sinners. God does not casually abandon those who wander.
But Jesus was not teaching parents to devote nearly all their time, money, and emotional energy to one resistant child while the rest of the family is neglected.
A sheep does not make a calculated decision to reject the shepherd. It wanders because it lacks understanding of the danger surrounding it. In the same way, when a young child wanders away in a store, a parent frantically searches and rejoices when the child is found.
But what happens when an older child deliberately rejects the family’s values, resists every effort to help, and uses disruptive behavior to control the household? Does loving that child require the parents to ignore the emotional and spiritual well-being of their other children?
The ninety-nine sheep in Jesus’ parable were left together in relative safety. They were not forgotten, sacrificed, or declared less worthy of the shepherd’s care.
The parable of the prodigal son adds another dimension. When the younger son demanded his inheritance and left home, the father did not chase him into the distant country. He did not finance his reckless living or protect him from every painful consequence of his choices.
The father allowed him to leave.
He also allowed the consequences of rebellion to bring his son to his senses. Yet when the son returned with a repentant heart, the father ran to meet him and welcomed him home.
The father also reassured his faithful older son:
“Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.”
—Luke 15:31
Biblical love keeps the door open for the wanderer while continuing to see, value, and nurture those who remain.
Let’s make it a little more complicated
Nick and Sue attend a nondenominational church with their four children. Christianity is at the center of their family life.
Several years ago, they moved their family from Maryland to Arizona despite objections from both their mothers. The decision was especially difficult for Nick’s mother because Nick had previously been married and had two sons from that marriage. In her eyes, her son was abandoning his first two children.
The situation, however, was far more complicated than it appeared.
But Maryland is a tough state to be a divorced dad considering the liberal bent of most its counties. The courts overwhelmingly side with the mother. Especially, if the mother is a secular liberal and the father is a “believer” who follows the Bible.
Nick’s relationship with his former wife had become extremely contentious. She made it nearly impossible for him to be a father to their sons. She monitored his telephone conversations with them and ended the calls if Nick spoke about Jesus.
During Nick’s limited weekends with the boys, his former wife repeatedly requested police welfare checks. With financial assistance from her father, she also took Nick back to court repeatedly. Nick had limited resources and could not continue defending himself indefinitely.
Eventually, the pressure became overwhelming. Nick and Sue moved their family to Arizona, where Nick found a decent job and a more manageable cost of living for their household of six.
Nick’s former wife may have prevailed in the custody battle, but the two boys also lost something deeply important: a meaningful relationship with their father.
The younger boy was encouraged to adopt beliefs and behaviors contrary to those Nick hoped to teach him. The older boy grew increasingly angry after repeatedly being told that his father loved his new family more than he loved them.
Years later, Nick continues paying child support for his now-teenage sons, even though he is not permitted to see them. His phone conversations with them are still monitored. He does not include his younger children in the calls because the boys now use language he does not want introduced into his home.
Nick’s mother still lives in Maryland, although she visits her grandchildren in Arizona several times each year. She is not permitted to see Nick’s first two sons. She no longer believes Nick simply abandoned them, but her heart continues to ache for those boys, and they remain in her prayers.
Nick’s mistake, he married an unbeliever!
The apostle Paul gives sage advice:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial (devil)? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
– 2 Corinthians 6: 14-15
A farmer would not yoke two animals that pull in different directions and expect them to plow a straight row.
Raising children is difficult even when both parents share the same faith and values. When two parents have opposing worldviews, nearly every important decision—discipline, education, church, morality, and the meaning of right and wrong—can become a battleground.
Nick and his former wife were pulling in different spiritual directions from the beginning.
Nick loves all his children, including his first two sons. But he does not know them as well as the four children he is raising with Sue. His older sons have been raised according to values that conflict with his own, and the legal restrictions placed upon him have left them beyond his physical reach.
They are not, however, beyond God’s reach.
Nick and Sue continue to pray for the boys and for Nick’s former wife. Prayer is now the most important parenting tool available to Nick. He cannot control the boys’ home environment, undo what they have been told, or force a relationship that others have prevented.
He can only remain faithful, keep the door open, and trust God to work where he cannot.
Nick and Sue know there may come a time when the boys are older and one or both will want a relationship with their father and half-siblings. If that happens, the situation will not be easy. Nick and Sue will want to welcome them with love, but they must also protect the younger children living in their home.
How should they respond if that day comes?
Paul gives this instruction:
“Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
– Colossians 4: 5-6:
Some may object to applying a passage about “outsiders” to Nick’s sons. They are not outsiders to his love or his family. Spiritually, however, they have been raised outside the Christian faith that guides Nick and Sue’s household.
If the boys return, Nick and Sue will need God’s wisdom. They will need to combine prayer with thoughtful action, grace with truth, and love with appropriate boundaries
Their speech must be gracious and seasoned with the salt of the Holy Spirit. They must avoid condemning the boys for the environment in which they were raised. At the same time, welcoming them does not require allowing destructive behavior or ungodly influences to take control of their home.
Love does not require the absence of boundaries. Sometimes boundaries are one of the most loving things a family can provide.
Nick and Sue should be prepared to receive the boys with compassion while remaining faithful to the beliefs and responsibilities God has given them. Their years of prayer may have been preparing them for precisely that opportunity.
It will not be easy, but with God, restoration is possible.
There are no perfect families!
Consider how many people in the Bible came from deeply troubled families.
Abraham lied and nearly gave his wife away—twice. Jacob was a deceiver who showed favoritism among his children. Joseph’s brothers hated him so much that they sold him into slavery. David’s household was scarred by betrayal, violence, and rebellion. When Samuel came looking for the next king, David’s own father did not even think to call him in from the field.
Rahab was a prostitute. The nation of Israel repeatedly turned away from God, yet He continued calling them His people.
If God only used people from perfect families, the Bible would be a very short book.
Your family’s wounds do not disqualify you from God’s love or His plan. In fact, your family may be the very place where God teaches you to forgive without excusing wrongdoing, establish boundaries without becoming bitter, and love someone without allowing that person to control everyone else.
Some relationships can be restored through an honest conversation. Others may require wise counseling, firm boundaries, or years of patient prayer. Sometimes the most faithful thing we can do is stop trying to play a role that only God can fill.
Love the child who wanders. Never stop praying for the family member who resists God. Keep the door open for repentance and reconciliation.
But do not overlook those who are quietly standing beside you.
The cooperative child still needs encouragement. The faithful spouse still needs companionship. The family members who rarely demand attention still need to know that they are seen, valued, and loved.
God sees the wounds, the regrets, and the confusion. He sees the child who wandered and the children who remained. He sees the exhausted parent who has tried everything and no longer knows what to do.
Turn toward God and be filled with His light.
Invite Him into the middle of your complicated family. Ask Him for the wisdom to know when to pursue, when to wait, when to establish a boundary, and when to welcome someone home.
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